New Thai Word

Mon Kee-ow

So someone said this word to me several times. Eventually I remembered it long enough to ask a Thai friend (who knows English) what it means. She says it is what you say when you see a fat person who is cute and that makes you desperately want to squeeze their fat. And then the person explaining it to me squeezed the fat on my arm. I never thought I would have such a good excuse to lose weight.

Oil massage. You essentially get naked for it. Maybe my most disgusting blog entry. You have been warned. (No pictures. Sorry.)

There are some days when something happens disturbs me. That was today, but for a different reason than anything in this blog post. The Thai style oil massage is hereby classified "interesting."

Oil Massage.

Today I had my first Thai Oil Massage. I don't know if I did it right but the basics are this:

(Massage portion of process takes about two hours)
1) drink tea
2) shower
3) put on special massage clothes. That is to say put on see-through pantyhose material underwear.
4) lie down on massage table and wait for old lady (at LEAST as old as my mother (which is to say around 30 :-P, you're welcome Mom) )
5) hot mint-scented oil massage, every inch of your body except head and groin. Back, then legs, then arms, then chest and stomach.
6) she asks you if you want a hand-job in Thai (in my case this always seems to be combined with a physical tap on my genitals) (I always say no :-P)
7) she said no but she does it anyway. (kidding. Yes I have a sick sense of humor.)
8) head massage (no oil as far as I can tell)
9) shower
10) drink different tea
11) pay 500 baht ($15) +tip (I seem to be the only person that tips, ever, in this entire city.

I got in for my massage very late. The place closes at midnight and I got there at about 10:30pm. So thus when I was finished the place was closed.

Between step 9 and 10: When I had gotten out of the shower the old lady was changing the linens (I did try to cover myself, but it's not like there was anything she hadn't seen already). As I was getting dressed she was trying to tell me something in Thai. Eventually I understood the words "go home." And then I understood the words "two people" while she pointed to me and her. I think you understand what's going on already, but I am an idiot so I thought she was saying that we were the only two people in the whole place and it was urgent that I go home so that she can go home too. When I got out to where I pay, I realized that my first interpretation is not the case. The two receptionists (why they need two in Thailand I will never know) were there and received my payment.

So I'll just come right out and say it. I think this lady, at LEAST as old as my mother, was asking that we go home together...

So since I won't be making any old ladies horny (hopefully) when I wear the Thai non-oil massage garb (actual pants and shirt) and since it's cheaper and more relaxing/effective, I think I will be sticking to the REGULAR Thai massage from now on.

Another Thai/English difference

When I was learning Thai back in Chiang Mai, I had an interesting class concerning a Thai word (I don't remember) that is translated as "to look for something" and "to find something." Someone in the class said what we were all thinking: "To look for something and to find something are very different things." To which the teacher replied, "Not in Thai."

No, I have the best sausage!

I needed to go to Laos briefly. I left yesterday and came back today. I arrived at the train station about 10 minutes before departure, but I was hungry. So like a fool I went over to where they are selling food.

Some people already know my deep love and affection for Isaan sausage, sai grawg (the R and second G in "grawg" are very soft). So I went over there, sure that one of the many ladies would be selling it. I know you think I'm being sexist, but it's almost always ladies that sell those beautiful sausages.

There was one very aggressive lady who got in my face and tried to pull me over to her area. Then another lady on her cell phone tries to persuade me to hers. I ask them both if they have the sausage. They both say yes. I ask how much. They each say 40 baht. Finally I decide to go for the seller who is not literally dragging me to her stall, but she doesn't have the damned sausage that my heart so desires. Oh woe is me! So, assuming that the other was not LYING I ask her what she has. But alas, they were both LYING. So now I was sausageless in the Ubon bus station.

Eventually I got an Isaan-style grilled chicken breast, but my love for Isaan chicken breast is nothing compared to my passion for Isaan sausage. :-(

Glossary:
Isaan--North-Eastern Thailand and/or North-Eastern Thai people, associated with a very unique dialect and culture.

Isaan-style grilled chicken breast:

 Sai-grog--Wonderful sausage of the Isaan people.

Interesting Thai/English language difference

Today I went with Thai friends out to a restaurant that served different types of curry noodle soup. One friend of mine that I call "Little One" has a tremendous amount of English skill. She has lived in America and received a graduate degree from an Australian University, but she is always seeking to learn more English.

Now I disappoint a lot of Thais with how much I enjoy and am not fazed by spicy food. Little One told me that I was "very good at eating spicy food." She asked me if that made total sense in English. She has a real passion to learn the language. I told her that normally in America people would not speak in exactly that style. Then I learned something interesting.

In Thai, the ability to eat a lot of spicy food is considered a skill that you have to practice to attain. In Thai being able to eat spicy food is a skill while in America it is not. In the US it is simply a preference, a taste.

Later I was eating some more of this curry noodle soup thing (it was spectacularly good) but I had some fish bones on my plate and I accidentally ate the fish bones!! :-( I had to eventually spit them out, which is not polite either in Thailand or the US, so I was very embarrassed. 

So how hot is it in Thailand?

If you are back home then you probably look at the map and say that it must be pretty hot in Thailand right now. You see that it is the middle of summer in DC, so you may think the middle of summer in Thailand is much worse. But reality may surprise you.

Fact 1: Our hottest months of the year are behind us. March, April, May are the hot months. April can get pretty darn hot, but it never got that bad this year. I'm not sure if it even got over 95 degrees.

Fact 2: Your high temperature for the day is much higher than ours today. According to Google, your predicted high temperature is 97 degrees today. Ours is 88 degrees. (Yes I converted everything to Fahrenheit.)

Fact 3: We have three seasons. If you talk to me enough, you would know this. Tropical climates like Thailand have three seasons: hot, rainy, and cool. To give you an idea of what each is like.

• Hot season. Imagine August in DC. But with a lot less humidity. March-June
• Rainy season. The rainiest single summer month you can remember in your life. July-October
• Cool season. Remember a day in July when it got UNUSUALLY cool for July. It's basically like that. Except less humidity. And no rain EVER. November-February

Right now it has been pretty nice out. A few days are steamy, but most of the time I am turning off the air conditioning and just using fans. It's a nice time of year.

How to prevent Thai mosquitoes

This is interesting. Isaan people (and Thais) do not get bitten by nearly as many mosquitoes as farang(Westerners) do. For that matter, I get bitten very little as well. I tried to look for some internet information about this phenomenon, but I have found nothing the least bit scholarly, so I am going to put forth a hypothesis: Eating spicy Isaan food prevents mosquito bites. Here are the facts:

• Most farang get bitten a lot by mosquitoes. 
• Isaan people get bitten very little.
• I get bitten very little.
• When I stop eating a lot of spicy/Isaan food I start getting bitten a lot.

I wish there was a way to actually test this scientifically, but I am certainly no expert on the scientific method. I also wish I could find scholarly material on the subject.